Hello beautiful souls,
Immersed in the world of creating life after loss, I know both professionally and personally how challenging the journey of change can. This is especially true when we want something to change (um, yesterday please). It doesn’t matter if we are moving through grief, trying to release weight, create a new habit, if we could, we would like the “results” of our efforts now please. But when we don’t allow the room for something to percolate, we might just end up judging everything and everyone.
This has been on my mind lately, the word “process”.
To allow. To percolate. To be with.
What does the word “process” mean to you?
For me, it means surrendering and relinquishing judgment.
We live in a constant cycle of judging, judging something is good or bad, right or wrong, pretty or ugly, etc.
We label everything. Without meaning to.
What have I discovered. I am not immune to judgment. No one is.
Even as someone on a spiritual path, I am guilty of the undercurrent of labeling.
Below are a few things I am trying to put into practice. I share them with you this week with love.
THREE WAYS OF ALLOWING PROCESS DURING TIMES OF CHANGE
- Don’t be cheap with your love;The best thing I can do for myself and others when experiencing change is to allow ourselves to have the dignity of our process. Seeing that everything in life is a work in PROGRESS. Just as it takes time for a caterpillar to change into a beautiful butterfly, it takes nurturing and gestation for things to shift and expand. In the past, a knee jerk reaction of mine has been to protect myself from future hurts by putting the karate chop on my love. I keep it close to my heart. Now, I see that this hurts not only the people I am with holding from, it also hurts me. When I feel scared, frustrated, angry, or hurt, I remind myself to not withhold love from myself or others.
- Allow others in your life to have their own experience; Instead of butting my head up against the wall, wishing something/someone was different, surrender. Especially when you do not agree or approve of someone’s behavior. You can be available to the person if they ASK for help, and when they don’t, allow them to have their own process without interfering. My mentor once said, when you are trying to fix, you are creating karma. It is also the ego self trying to “control” a situation (and often one we may not like).
- Uninvite yourself to the pity party; Yes, we all have those days. The “why me”, “why them?” “How unfair this feels!” popping up. We feel sorry for someone’s plight and try to fix their pain. Even when we do it with good intentions, we are judging someone else’s process, as the layer below that, there is something we are not approving of.
I am witnessing this firsthand in my own life this week. I might be stirring up a pot here by saying this, but I actually think it takes a great deal of courage to love someone in spite of the very human experiences they are having. To love without trying to change, trying to fix, or see your point of view.
To love without negotiating. Without witholding when we feel hurt. To love. No matter what.
This is one of the things I’ve learned from my rescue pups. They are one of my greatest teachers. They love fiercely, even when they’ve been abandoned or hurt before.
I’d love to hear from you below the ways in which you love when you are feeling upset or vulnerable.
ps- This is dedicated to my first pup and greatest teacher Sophie Chew, who gave me the greatest gift of unconditional love 20 years ago.
Sabrina Bolin April 8, 2014 8:08 pm / Reply
YES. I absolutely agree that love can become more powerful when it’s not as easy to do so.
One of the ways I love when I’m feeling vulnerable to is to respect my need for solitude versus connection. Sometimes I genuinely want to reach out but other times there is a beauty to allowing myself the space to process it alone. Rather than getting stuck in one way of being, love reminds me that this too can change!
Anne Omland April 8, 2014 10:32 pm / Reply
What a beautiful article! I think it takes real courage to love others in this way. Number 2 is a great reminder for me- instead of trying to fix or change someone going through their process, it can be most helpful to let them know you’re there without trying to control the situation.Thank you for sharing this! x
Krystal Bernier April 8, 2014 11:15 pm / Reply
You are so right, love is where it’s at. My husband always teases me that if he locked me in one car trunk and our dog in another car trunk for a day he would open the dogs trunk first. Because she would be so happy to be let out she would lick him and love him to death. I on the other hand, would not be so thrilled – lol. Your 3 ways of allowing process during times of change are so helpful and I plan to put them to good use. Thank you for this!
Elise April 9, 2014 12:00 am / Reply
Thank you for this post! I have learned so much from my pups, too, so your message really resonated. I lost two dogs last year to cancer, and some of my biggest life lessons about love & letting go came from my furry family members. I LOVE your three ways to process during times of change. Of course, it’s easier said than done. We just need to remember when we are going through it…
lily April 9, 2014 12:29 am / Reply
Great post. I find offering gratitude when I’m feeling upset always gets me through difficult times. For friends or family who are hurting, simply listening without throwing in unsolicited advice can be very healing.
Sam April 9, 2014 11:23 pm / Reply
I love the comment about allowing others to have their own experience. That’s so important, to just let people be and let yourself be as well.
Elizabeth Cronise McLaughlin April 10, 2014 12:28 am / Reply
Such a brilliant post! I struggle all the time (especially with my husband– LOL) with the surrender instead of try-to-change dynamic. Thanks so much for the reminder that acceptance and surrender matters. XOXO